Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
