I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
