i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
