apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
