There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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