she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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