im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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