Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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