How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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