Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
