my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
