I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
