If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
