Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
