then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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