Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
