i don't like sucking hair
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
