Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
