why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
