She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
