My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
