I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
