are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
