Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
