I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
