so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
