I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
