Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
