Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
