You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
