i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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