At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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