She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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