wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
