Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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