I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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