I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
