my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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