So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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