There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
