I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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