I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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