I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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