Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
