I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
And then he peed in my hair
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