Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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