i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
