i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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