I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
