a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
