i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
