Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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