I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
