Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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