It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
