the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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