No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
