Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
