btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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