i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize