if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
