He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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